It was a difficult day, though not for any tangible reasons. I’m conflicted about the future; right now I am committed both to stay in Mexico for another semester (January to July) and to move to Shanghai in February (to teach for a year). Obviously I cannot do both of these things, and there are pros and cons to either choice (though I won’t go into them in detail here).
But beyond this, I’m finding it difficult to build meaningful connections while knowing that my stay here is temporary. Sherrill likes to complain about the tourists here in Chiapas, but I’m pretty sure we are tourists. All of my interactions are contractual or anonymous. This is probably exacerbated by the fact that I’m working online (Apple says I’m averaging about 8.5 hours a day on my phone or computer), but I still don’t really feel like I live here.
Similarly, it’s sometimes difficult to feel invested in my classes because I have never intended to teach long-term (at least, not this subject or at this level). Though once again, maybe I would feel differently about this if I was teaching in person. As it is, I haven’t really even met my students.
It feels increasingly appealing to start applying to law schools or grad schools in the US and position myself to settle somewhere long-term as soon as possible, but I fear that 1. this is the only point in my life when I’ll be able to live abroad in this way and 2. while my test scores are high, my grades weren’t as good as they could have been and I didn’t get to know any of my professors well enough to get a letter of recommendation, so I need to do something more reflective of my abilities before I start applying to selective institutions. So I feel kinda stuck. Or unstuck. Pulled in many directions, without any particular attachment.
After my Spanish lesson today, I spoke with one of my friends for the first time in several weeks, and it feels like we’ve drifted apart a bit. I suppose this is not surprising given the circumstances, but I had hoped we could do a better job keeping in touch.
I also had probably my longest conversation ever with Gerardo Jr, the son of my host parents. He is in his late 20’s, isn’t employed, and lives at home. Today I learned that he likes grapefruits (I told him I could get him some for free from the school) and doesn’t care for Church (my host parents are very religious). He knows a handful of English phrases and seems keen to learn; I’m going to start talking with him more often. In truth, I haven’t gotten to know my host family very well yet.
To be honest, most of these problems are probably of my own making; social interaction was never my strongest skill or biggest interest. I’d like to believe that this can be overcome with reflection and effort. I guess we’ll see.
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